Silent Mouth, Screaming Thoughts

I haven't really posted anything recent yet for december that's worth reading. I guess I have been too busy fixing things in my life. My so called-illness is back..yes, I have laryngitis again..and this is probably due to my stubborn streak. After gaining back my voice last May, I continued to indulge myself in the many things that the doctor told me not to do like smoking, drinking, eating spicy foods, chocolates, pizza, pasta, in short...anything good just to avoid getting sick again.

Today, I woke up with hardly any voice at all and my throat was hurting so bad I really think it's bleeding inside. Coughing felt like someone with long nails was scratching it. I have to conserve the only voice left in order to avoid getting into surgery to get out the nodes. (At least that was what the doc told me)

The only times I have been sick was now and during that time in March when I lost my voice. Twice in a year and my body takes it out on my throat and vocal chords. What a way to punish me for sleeping so late and working so hard. In a way, my body is secretly telling me that I am stressed and overworked..I am.

I'm taking a break from everything...except for writing..this is my only voice for now until my vocal chords are healed.

I'm a Type 8

Main type	Variant

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
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Choose Your Own Adventure

When I was three, I was concerned only with picking out which candy I want Mom to buy for me. In gradeschool, I was concerned with picking out my playmates, my favorite Barbie doll, and my favorite dress. In highschool, I was concerned with the kind of identity that I want to project, the clubs that can enhance my personality, the kind of friends I want to have. In college, it was choosing the right organization, the right course, and the best professors. It was also about choosing what to do after graduation. Then, after graduation, it was choosing between going to law school and working. I chose the latter.

From the time I was able to understand things, choices were handed down to me no matter how important or mundane it was. It felt like I was a character in a choose your own adventure book where you can see what happens if you choose a or b or c...the only difference is that in real life choose your own adventure, choosing one means you'll be left wondering what might have happened to you if you had chosen the other. I was never been able to go back to the start of the story and choose another path again. I think I speak for every one on this. Yet, in every decision I make, I keep in mind to have no regrets.

At 22, I know I made some bad choices especially in the men that I fall in love with (no pun intended..really..) My love for spontainety or getting myself into spur-of-the-moment things got me in trouble at one point or another. Sometimes my tactless mouth unintentionally hurt people I cared about. My lack of self-discipline and momentary depressions led me to gain more pounds rather than lose it. My choice to be really independent has led me to forget some values I held dearly. Admittedly, there is no one to blame but me and my quest to find my purpose in life.

I read this article entitled "Being Twenty-something" forwarded to me by a good friend, and it says that people my age are at their best and worst of times. It's true. I feel that I am at that point in my life where one minute I am laughing at a silly joke and then another I am ranting about the load at work, and sometimes there are moments where I feel like I am going in circles, going nowhere, trying to find my purpose in life.

Some say take my time, some say it'll pass...and I know it will...but for now the greatest challenge is choosing my own adventure and whatever was planned for me, making me, the heroine, a victor in the end. After all, isn't that what we all want?

For the people who taught me to believe in myself...

My Inner Strength...

Memories are like the scent of lemon grass
Has a sour taste but still very sweet
--The Scent of Lemon Grass by Jolin Tsai

This is long overdue..I haven't been able to update my blog...but anyway, here's a take on my recently concluded 22nd birthday....

It's not everyday that I turn 22. With every birthday comes realizations and promises from myself on things I have to do, avoid, and work on. I have so many things to be thankful for but these two things comprise all of it...

1. The gift of family and friends. I think that I am very lucky to have found genuine friends and a loving family who continue to support my decisions in life. Yes, I can be very stubborn at times but I try to back down once in a while. With the people in my life, I never really felt I had no room to grow. At 22, I feel that I am at my best where I can be virually almost anything that I want to be. How many people my age can say that?

2. Having a job that I love. I work hard because I love what I am doing. Training agrees with me and I have done it for so many years already. I don't get bored and I get to meet a lot of people. Each day is a learning experience. But don't get me wrong, it's not all milk and honey, I have to stay up late for OT to finish studying and preparing for class. I have to do a little paper work for evaluations and such but overall, the experience is well worth it.

Life is full of surprises and I am definitely surprised every day..in a good way that is...these people are what keeps me going...they are the reason why I still choose to live life...(so it's not true that being single sucks...it only sucks during christmas and valentine's day...haha)

Quotable Kids

Patintero, tumbang preso, piko, agawan base, langit-lupa, luksong baka, if you know these terms then you are part of my generation and probably the previous generations (mga oldies..hehehe). These are games that I used to play with my siblings, cousins and neighbors. Then there's the famous Barbie who debuted at the American Toy Fair in New York City in 1959. Imagine how old she is now! I don't remember my first Barbie but my favorite was the pregnant barbie who even had a baby inside her tummy. These days, most young girls play with Bratz, these hip looking dolls with pouting lips and sporting a look that says "don't mess with me". Now that is what they call "girl power".

Needless to say, my generation thrived on team work, They have bigger and better looking toys..with multi-functional capabilities but I don't think I would have traded them for the time I spent with my childhood friends.

When you look at kids today, they look like mini-clones of adults. Little girls wear miniature spaghetti straps and sandals. Kids don't wear dorky clothes anymore like the kids of the 80's (mighty kid rubber shoes, maong pants and loose t-shirts...and the like) and they also have a heightened sense of awareness that the world is not as innocent as it used to be. Here's a little something...


Scene 1: Mommy Joan explains to 10-year old Paulina on the meaning of abortion. Little did they know that 7-yr old Mika was listening in on their conversation and says, "Thank God you didn't do that to me mommy!"

Scene 2: Gabriel got a sad face stamp because he was very inattentive during class. The school clerk asked him why he got a sad face and Gab dismissed her by saying "So!" Not knowing that what he said was very rude.

Scene 3: Enrique hears his mom swore over something trivial, and says "bad ka mommy!"


The things that children say can sometimes surprise most of us...but they also speak the truth. How I wish I had the innocence of a child...

gabriel my cousin...ang gwapo noh?  

me and tina 

me, jared, jig, and jon 

fun times 

paulina at her best... 

gabriel.. 

Simple Pleasures

"Memories is a good thing if you don't have to deal with the past"
---Before Sunset

Would you...

Dance with the moonlight?
Succumb to the misty air?
Go barefoot in the sand?
Fall into the depths of the sea?

Would you...

Feel the sunshine
See the darkness with me?
or maybe something in between?

Would you...

Feel my waking hour
Now more than ever...
or be a dying ember?

We can be lost with the wind...
and one with eternity...
but the question is...would you?


For the bodoh, babi, monyet, lemah in me...
For my bersifat perempuan, tidak sedarkan diri..friend...
this one here is for the laughter, the endless banters, the poking, the tickling, the arguments, the companionship, and the joys of simply being together...i know it won't last but these moments are embedded in my memory no matter how bodoh you think i am...;-)

Red Lips and China Eyes

i look at him
and i see
something beautiful
something untapped
something hidden
why such a smile captivates
why little words can engross

i stare at him
and i am speechless
there is no sense in all of this
and yet i see his existence
like a looking glass
why did the man with china eyes
got into me?
yesterday i saw a glint in his eye
like something was on fire
it was then i knew
that the man with china eys
was a lost soulwho found his smile again
it piqued my curiosity
just how much was he
willing to revealfor the world to see?
can he show himself to me?
his lips would reveal everything
that only time can tell
I ask myself whyhe has gotten into me
and only then did I see
it was his red lips and china eyes that did it all...


For all the things trivial and essential...
that add spice to something unexplainable called life...
For the what ifs and what nots...
Jen

Goodnight

This is how I die
One second after the other
slowly and painfully...

with thoughts of you
and all your lies
concealed in your knowing eyes

You make me feel Im nothing
stop the charade..

I'm kissing the moon tonight
before I sleep forever...

10/28/2004
astrogurl
1030am

My 100 Word Stories

Read it and count it...these two are probably the hardest stories i ever made because of the limitation...but it's well worth the effort. Enjoy!


Harmonika

Musikang may alindog ang hatid ng kanyang labi. Mga notang dala ang isang makulay na nakaraan. Kumikinang ang harmonika sa ilalim ng araw, sa mga taong nagdaraan, sa mga jeepney ng lansangan. Ang haranang ito ay mula sa babaeng nakaupo sa labas ng simbahan. Siya?y bulag na minsan ng nakita ang liwanag, putol ang mga paa ngunit patuloy ang paggapang, wala man siyang mga kamay ngunit hawak ang pag-asa sa latang tangan. Tunay ngang kung gaano kabilis ang magkameron, ganon din katulin ang mawalan. Ngayong gabi tahimik ang daan maliban sa umuugong na sigaw ng baliw ?walang himala, walang himala!?

The Candy Bar

I woke up feeling a little bit dizzy. My stomach was already complaining so I opened the cupboard and saw that my candy bar was missing. Horrified at this tragedy, I searched in vain, ran up and down the stairs, went to and from the bathroom, dove in and out of the closet with no luck at all. My suspects were the resident rat in the ceiling, the neighbour?s curious cat, or maybe Becky, my blue-eyed puppy. Revenge was at the back of my mind but I stopped and then I remembered. It was me who ate it last night.

Across the Border

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter
--Marlene Dietrich (1901-1992)

"There are no strangers here, only friends who haven't met"
--Ateneo Student Trainers Motto

The Secret

The first time I met S, she gave me a big smile and it never left her face even when the teasing starts and the work gets harder each day. I never saw her frown either and in a way I am drawn to her because admittedly these past few weeks of stress at work rarely gave me anything to smile about. I got along well with S and she accepted me as a friend and a sister. She once told me that before she met me, she spent most of her time lounging around with our male friends which meant, no female bonding in the past year or so. We shared stories and ideas of love affairs and heartaches, of dreams and broken promises as if we've known each other for a long time. I am the type of person who, at one glance, knows whether I would be close to this person or not...and thankfully, S was someone I felt at ease to share myself with. There is a secret hidden in the eyes of S that only few people know about her. I knew that secret even before she told me. Nevertheless, nothing changed in our friendship. Acceptance is one of the keys to a good friendship and S knows how much I accepted that fact about her.

The Artist

D is one artistic soul. In fact, I'm quite surprised at how well he was able to cope with work knowing that his work involves using the left brain (for logic). His wisdom echoes in my head each time I think about the way I deal with life?s dilemmas. He knows a lot about life and love in general and I guess that?s what makes D a good companion. Someone who listens patiently and one who holds no judgements about people. D is one full proof that good guys still exist?.He sticks up for you like no other and is not afraid to fight for what is right. There is a colourful past speak through his eyes. The journey is long and the road might have been bumpy more times than he might have expected, but D can always take it because he has his princess with him. A true to life fairy tale where the ending was so real even he can't believe it himself.

The China man

He is someone who worked his way into my system. Like how it is when you get accustomed to a new toy. In an odd sort of way, he always makes me laugh even if he doesn?t mean to or even with just the littlest things. He has a way with words like no other; it can make or break someone's day. Moreover, he loves the city like I do. In fact, the fast track and the city lights blend along well with him. There is more to him than meets the eye. I found in him the same passion and zest for life that I always crave for. I guess that?s one the reasons why I was drawn to him. I used to tell him that he?s always either hot or cold but never warm. One minute he?s saying something sweet and the next thing I know he?s scolding me only to find out he was just pulling my leg. Amidst the busy streets and the throngs of people, there is a funny man who makes me smile as if pushing me to be more and to do more. And I have.

Across the border, friendship in any form knows no boundaries or limits. At least that's how it is with these stories.

terima kasih dari hati saya
di dalam pengembaraan hidup, tuhan sering memberkati kita

Skylark

I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me

---Rough Draft by Yellowcard


Reality bit me
like a skylark raving mad
singing to the tune
of the dark angel's melody
and sweet sensations...
blurring the eyes that speak
of love unrequited and helpless

this torture is endless
and salvation is unknown to the abbyss
the dreamer is taken to another place
where feelings turn to gold
and hatred turn to stone

wake me up
I need to hear you sing
your lies and your deceptions...

Liars Go to Hell

"I should have known, if I let you into my heart, that you would be tearing it down from the start. Grab a map to see how close we really are, and pretend that I feel blessed but I know that Im not because your leaving.Underneath the shade of this tree, please look me in the eyes and tell me you love me because I need to hear that lie." ---Kent Loves Gig Harbor by Daphne Loves Derby

Sometimes people need to hear lies in order for things to be ok. Like how a husband tells his wife he loves her even if he's cheating on her, or how a guy would make up lies in order to get you to bed. Yes, I know these things are way overboard, but let me get my point across. Different lies of different degrees have different reasons. I guess for some, a certain amount or hint of lie wouldn't hurt but wait till the truth comes in and knocks on your day and say "hello, someone just lied to you, too bad you were so gullible."

I don't know why but any kind of lie to me is still a lie..whether it's a white lie or any other colored lie for that matter. A certain wave of sadness comes over me each time these things happen to me. When I give trust, I give it openly and willingly with no hesitations thinking that the other person can and will not betray that. Not a lot of people are trustworthy.

So how do I deal with this? By simply avoiding these liars and shutting them out of my life. Harsh? yes but its the only way I know to keep my life away from toxicity. When someone starts to lie to you, another lie comes in and it goes on and on...so beware of liars...they are all out there...waiting to pounce.

I have been lied to, too many times and been betrayed by the closest people I know.

Busy Bee or Be Busy?

Where have you been?
I've been waiting so long to hear from you
And all the things that we said we would do
Still remains to be nothing more than plans of the past
We've been too quiet for too long
Where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm
We'll never get this right.
Your words are cold, and the season is too
The comfort in your voice is gone.
Please don't keep in touch.
I'm better off all alone now that you've lost everything I loved
Is this worth the time?
Am I done in your mind?
Will I regret once you're gone?
Why did I ever think that we would be so good?
We've been too quiet for too long
Where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm
We'll never get this right.
All right, I'm sorry that I even tried.
I was a fool to have hope in you.
--Tennis Court Soundtrack by Daphne Loves Derby

Just wanted to share the lyrics of this song by Daphne Loves Derby. Don't get me wrong, I am not emo(short for emotional) right now mainly because I have no time to think about matters and issues of my heart.

This is the only time that I am thankful for work because it allows me to concentrate on things that I have to do. Here's to another two months of training in hell.

Hanging on the Edge

"Lets break the news and break it fast for us. Do you understand the reason for pain? Or am I the only one who hears it? This awful melody is proof that I will never breathe. But how can I save myself behind the promises I've made. Just to hold on to bitterness. No one needs to know of the nightmares in my head. Cause I am letting go. The beauty of this night is haunting me tonight"
---Makers and Breakers by DaphneLovesDerby

astrogurl: do you think I'm a bad person?
ulaol: hindi naman bakit may problema ba?
astrogurl: hmmm....a lot of things bother me lately
ulaol: may kagalit ka ba o may nagagalit sa iyo?
astrogurl: wala..none of the above
ulaol: so ano?
astrogurl: can i tell you something?
ulaol: anu un
ulaol: ano sasabihin mo?
astrogurl: wala nevermind..
ulaol: ano nga basta wag lang ikaiilang ko
astrogurl:what do you think
ulaol: about
astrogurl: ano bang pwedeng sabihin sayo na ikaiilang mo?
ulaol: ewan ko
astrogurl: it bothers me na iiwanan mo na naman ako sa ere just like before and i think it's unfair that just because i have something to say...ganon na lang...
ulaol: hay...
astrogurl: haaaay...
(and astrogurl goes invi mode because she's scared as always when it comes to him)

I think that my innate capacity to complicate things has led me to the conclusion that maybe things are better left unsaid. I know for sure that thoughts of inevitable hurt or dissapointment is just bound to come my way.

The past week went by with a blur because I have been so busy and only during those times that I stop and take a breather that his memory comes to mind. So many memories of the things that happened to us linger for a while, haunting me, and scaring me now more than ever.

A few years back, he suddenly dissappeared from my life without any explanation or warning. He just plain stopped talking to me unless absolutely needed. I on the other, cried for days, weeks, and months to end till I felt my tear glands protesting already. Nobody knew about it but me. Then, one day, I just left all the questions I wanted to ask him at the back of my mind and I tried to move on. I vowed to myself never to grieve again for so long and as the years passed, I learned how not to grieve at all.

Back then, I thought that maybe he has his own reasons he doesn't want me to know or maybe he just didn't want to have anything to do with me. I saw him occasionally during gatherings or parties but we never really went further than the line "so, how are you?". (Just recently I learned that in their drinking sessions, he talks about me, now what's up with that?)

How time flies by, now that he is back in my life, I think that we are both at a loss as to how to deal with the thought of "us". Sure I am scared to death of being hurt like that again but now that I have the opportunity to clear up things with what I consider to be the greatest what if of my life, I feel that I am hanging on the edge. I am thinking and feeling everything all at the same time. I have mixed emotions about the situation that I am in right now but I am alright.

Somehow, the years that we spent not seeing each other taught me a lot about how to deal with these things. I don't find myself in the same vicicous cycle of love. I am more calm and I think I finally learned how to let things flow.

if you're reading this, i want you to know that i want to talk about us. Let's not waste our time again...please?

Home Sweet Home

"We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us - how we can take it, what we do with it - and that is what really counts in the end. How to take the raw stuff of life and make it a thing of worth and beauty - that is the test of living." - Joseph Newton


emo_gurl: ikaw nagpapa-complicate ng buhay mo eh..
astrogurl: hmm...ako ba? oo nga eh....
emo_gurl: ikaw kaya yung nagsabing magkikita kayo pag-uwi mo...
astrogurl: oo nga ako nga...eh kasi gusto din malaman kung may sparks pa ba after all these years...
emo_gurl: ayan tingnan mo nangyari..
astrogurl: haay..oo nga...


Going home to the province was something I really looked forward to during the weekend. However, things got busy and then I found myself not having the time nor the energy for travelling even if it's just an hour and a half drive Pretty much like the time I spend in EDSA during rush hour.

I dread the thought of going home because it would mean going back to things and people of the past and I for one thing is particularly running away from someone. A hard task at hand. Let me tell you the story of a teensy weensy bit of a ten year old girl so unaware and innocent and the first time she laid her eyes on someone. As they say, there's always a first for everything.

At first, I found him arrogant and boastful but this first impression did not last because I found myself wanting to see him everyday in our backyard. We became good friends along with our other neighbors but I knew then that he treated me differently. We were both special to each other. But unlike any other fairy tale, this Aladin left his Jasmine and flew on his magic carpet. It actually took me years and buckets of tears just to forget him. Pretty soon, I had a boyfriend and I heard that he had his own girlfriend as well.

From time to time, I would go home to the province during weekends but I never really did see him. Call me a plain coward or just full of pride but I refused to see him. Why? Because I did not want all those pent up feelings for him to go back in just a snap when in fact I spent years just trying to erase his memory from my mind.

Well guess what? Life is indeed full of surprises..and things happen for a reason because one Saturday night, we saw each other again. We were like two complete strangers with eyes that speak of an old friendship..or rather love? I'm not sure about that last part because I realized we were both too young at that time to quantify it as love.

Looking at him again, I knew I lost that battle within myself. He won me over in just a snap..(and if you're reading this..don't let it get to your head) but yes, he did it again. Some questions were answered but more questions surfaced after seeing him again. Is this the continuation of something that was started ten years ago? Or maybe we just missed each other so much?

I'm still high from that kiss he gave me, and boy, 10 years worth of kiss is sure to cause temporary insanity. I am insane, I am crazy and I think coming home that weekend was one of the best decisions I have ever made...

For marymoe... you sure made one hell of a mess out of me..but nevertheless..I hope you know you're the reason I was looking for...our story never did end...in fact..i think this is just the beginning of things to come...(tama na..sobrang emo na..)

Was I worth a penny?

After drinking 6 bottles of beer:

astrogurl: you're not suppose to spoil me
HIM: what makes you think i spoil you?
astrogurl: I don't know...
HIM: that's the way you're supposed to be treated you know

It felt like a slap in the face when he said that because I never really did think that someone would actually go through all that trouble just to please me. Why bother? But I came to the conclusion that admittedly, I did not think I was worth it. I thought that I was not worth all his efforts because I do not feel the same way about him.

Whether I happen to like him or not is not the point though, what he said actually revealed a portion of the way I see myself. I felt sad to have realized just how much of a shallow person I have become. It occured to me just how much I have changed over the past months due to certain unexpected situations and experiences, the people that I meet, and the kind of attitude I had with me upon dealing with these things. When I get hurt, I move on. I don't let pain linger and I don't allow any hint of self-pity and yet in doing so, I forgot how to feel. I don't even know now what it's like to risk and lose everything because before anything happens, I tend to runaway from things. Running away meant less hurt, less pain, and sadly, less room for growth..for maturity...for change...

Where does one pick up the pieces of a broken self especially when he or she doesn't even know where to look for it and how to start looking?

astrogurl
09/20/04
2:40

Kisses and Curses

"Well here I am don't know how to say this, only thing I know..is awkward silence..."
---FREAKISH By Saves the Day

I'd like to love you but I won't
I'd like to hate you but I can't

Things are not what it used to be
How can a simple thing
turn into unfazed complexity?

Don't even bother; don't even try to argue
I hope you feel my kisses in your dreams
and hear my curses when you wake up

I'm screaming in silence
Killing your memory with this succulent apathy

All I want to do is
Kiss you in my dreams
and curse you when I wake up

to make everything all right

I know I'm selfish
but I know I'm right
To keep you at arms length
is probably the best thing to do for now...

astrogurl is currently trying to figure out a way
to keep herself from falling...
09/19/04

The Truth Hurts...

My six year old cousin Mika is extremely smart and has an ability to say the right things at the right time. One time we had the most interesting conversation:

Me: Hey Mika..why do you think two people who love each other break up?
Mika: hmm..maybe they don't like each other anymore...or they don't love each other anymore.
Me: Ohhh..you really think so?
then she gave me an innocent look and said..
Mika: I don't know...maybe...let's go play over there!
Me: Ok...

She may not be aware of it but I knew that the little girl who was with me was right in more ways than one. She spoke of truth that most adults like me wouldn't even dare to accept simply because the truth hurts, and it hurts like hell. Then again, I'm the type of person who avoids wallowing in self-pity and pain. I move on and I move on fast..I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

jen
09/13/04

Dying in My Sleep...

I feel nothing
Something in me awakened;
A heightened sense of being

Your tears are precious
It's yours to keep
I want smiles and fondness
For all memories shared
I did not mean to hurt anyone
I did not mean to say goodbye
With a mere letter

But know that I got what I wanted
To sleep in solitude
To weep in silence
For all things missed,
And left behind

Don?t look for reasons
I ask only acceptance
Without questions,
Without judgments

My legacy is you
Who believed in me
Who suffered with me
Who needed me
Who cared for me
Who loved me

This is just the beginning
Of another journey
To an unknown territory
Maybe a thousand broken souls are waiting for me?
Or maybe Im the only one out there.
Fear was never really a good companion
Yet courage came along with me
After my last breath...

Death is comfort, death is mystery, death is precious...

Losing yourself, someone, or something is a brush with death...
There's a tiny speck of hope, a sudden urge to escape from reality...and back...
I lingered in these feelings but I never allowed it to eat me up...
the end of something is definitely not the end of everything...

for those who lost..and are trying to find themselves again...I'm with you all...
jen
09/07/04

Falling Apart and Finding Myself

Nothing much has been going on in my life except for a few surprises here and there. I take comfort in the fact that I can be alone with myself and yet there are times that I dread being alone. Maybe because I have to face questions at the back of my mind and start searching for answers I don't even know where to start looking for. Questions that haunt me are often the same questions that most people ask. Who am I? Where am I headed? Am I living the life I want? and so on...A friend once told me that the essence of life is finding your balance. Upon finding this balance are choices that I had to make regardless of the consequences or the outcome. Sometimes you really have to make a choice, and then there are times when you really have no choice at all that suddenly you find yourself in a deep mess---that is your life.

I'd like to think that I have at least tried to live my life the best way that I could. I was not afraid to try and experience new things and meet different people. On the other hand, by trying out different things, I gave up some things that marked who I am. Things change, people change and looking back, I realized just how much things and situations have changed me. I just don't know just what my capacity is for transforming myself. Sometimes it's easier to fall apart than to stand firm. It's easier to just simply fall into the moment and not worry about anything else. And since I am this overly spontaneous stubborn girl, most, if not all the time I get too caught up and lost in it all that sometimes I emerge into the surface not as a better person but a lost one. The whole idea behind living life to the fullest to find oneself no longer appealed to me because I am now more lost than ever. I thought I knew what I wanted and needed but now I admit I don't know anything at all. I'm just another lost soul trying to make sense of everthing. It's never easy finding oneself.

I have often believed in Fr. Ferriols' famous philo quote "Lundagin mo Beybe," which actually tells the person to take the plunge with your whole being. As much as I would like to jump, maybe for now it's better to wait for someone to push me over the edge.

Jen

08/31/04

12:08

Unseen..

Tonight, reality struck me like a fire bolt
Pierced me hard
And I died a thousand times
Now I see the beauty of pain
So deep in the abyss

Untouchable, unfathomable...

jen
08/30/04
4:30pm

I'm worried about you, remember ...mind over heart..--yell

and i do remember...i always do...but why do i feel empty?

HUNGER

they say that good things come to those who wait
in patience but in vain, no matter how long, no matter how far
---FED UP by Suspicious Character


Only my eyes can see
the fire inside
wanting to explode

lips aching
souls shaking

such a mad desire
only you can grasp...

this is what it feels like
to be hungry...
that everything else becomes a blur
and nothing else matters

take me now
before i become wasted;
consumed by nothingness

this hunger is torture
the waiting must be over
before i become a dying ember



and yet i don't know how long i must wait..
should i let go or should i hold on? is it worth it in the end?
tell me the answers before i die in my sleep tonight...

jenna
08/22/04

Skeletons in the Closet

Hiding
in the corner
of the room
the dark closet
keeps secrets
no one knows but me...

seeing you again this time as a different persona...says a lot about the choices i made in the past...but you seem happy and free...and so i laugh at myself for being foolish not to have seen before that we both liked errr...the same gender? Life is indeed full of surprises...and this is by far the funniest farce of my life...

Bittersweet Endings and Tasteful New Beginnings

?Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all?
---On My Own By The Used

?Just because you said what you wanted doesn?t make it right?just for a moment, just one more time, just for one second and we?ll be just fine, this could be the last time that I could hold you?
---


Seeing an old flame brings a different sort of intoxication, a mixture of bittersweet memories of the past and a reality so clear you can even taste it. Regardless of how the relationship was or how it ended, that person from the past will always be a part of who you are. Much as I?d like to avoid emphasizing that fact especially to those unfortunate ones who may want to forget, more so, erase that person in their minds, I hate to say this but that?s something many of us can?t and won?t do. Why? Someone once told me that that ?once there always there.? Indeed the mind is powerful and there are things that the mind can choose to forget but the heart just simply cannot. And included in that list is the ex, former lover, old flame, resident asshole/bitch, and just about anything you would want to name him or her. I?m talking about the same person you used to love, shared a lot of memories with, cried your heart out for, felt bitter about, but most importantly taught you a thing or two.

The end of every relationship gives new light to the meaning of friendship. The question really is whether you?ll be able to stay friends with him/her. Moreover, even if either of you agreed to stay friends or be friends, only time can tell whether you can do it or not since feelings can still linger or it might be that wounds are still fresh. You and I both know that friendship and any other relationship is a conscious effort for both parties involved. So it only works if both of you work on it as well.

And so life goes on because it should. Just when you thought that this person was out of your life already, after a couple of months or rather years, you get a text message, an email, a phone call from him/her saying hi or asking how you are or better yet, you just might bump into him/her once in a while in the midst of your so called busy life.

When I saw him again for the first time after we parted ways, I could not help but feel shocked and relieved at the same time. Shocked at how much both of us changed already in more ways than one. A sense of relief because there were no ?butterflies in the stomach? or that feeling of ?can?t-eat-can?t-sleep-run-over-the-mill-reach-for-the-stars? thing that I used to feel before. Maybe that was a bit dramatic but I hope you get my point. It was like being zoomed back into the past but this time, I knew better than to cry or be I overly emotional about it. I treated him just like any other old friend. There was reminiscing over the happy times but of course I could not help but throw in some sarcastic one liners to answer the many questions that lingered at the back of my mind when things went sour. Needless to say, seeing or just talking to him was refreshing. I guess that?s how I knew I was over him already. I might have felt a little lonely at one point because I can?t help but think that we could have worked it out if both of us tried a little harder yet reality pulled me back and told me that that?s just the way things are and both of us are at a better position now than before. Ironic isn?t it? The person who made you cry and caused enormous pain is also the same person you should be thankful for.

The general attitude towards pain is negative and I won?t argue with that fact. However, there is beauty in pain. Not only does it make our lives interesting, it also provides us a venue for learning from past mistakes. Just imagine your life full of happiness and contentment, and all things good. The thought of having that kind of life is depressing. I?m not saying we shouldn?t aim for that because we must. It?s just that for me, there should always be a tension of the opposites in my life. Just like a well-blended yin and yang, up and down, good and bad, north and south, black and white and so on.

Parting ways with him, I said thank you and this time I genuinely meant it. If in case you?re worried about seeing or talking to that special person from the past, chances are, he or she might be feeling the same too. Smile. Relax. Go with the flow. Later on, you just might surprise yourself with the realization that you?ve accomplished so much even without that person. I know I did.


For ngit, thank you.
Jenna
10/08/04

Go Figure

Much as you'd like to believe that things will go your way, the truth is...it doesn't. It won't. So stop and think. The signs were there all along, so vivid and so clear but you went ahead and allowed yourself to drown in what you thought was a deep sea only to find out later on that it was just a shallow pit. Blinded and clouded by . No one is to blame but yourself because you had a choice in the first place. Never be engulfed by self-pity and guilt. No regrets remember? Pick yourself up and accept reality even if it bit you....and it did bit you.

Something Ordinary

There was this quote that caught my eye when I was reading a particular blog and it said ?Right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale?? When friends ask me how I am, I usually just say that I?m doing fine and that nothing spectacular really happens to my life that would merit a celebration. Why? Because just like me, a lot of people get so caught up in the routine of their lives that it becomes something ordinary. Life becomes so mundane that it means little or nothing already or so it seems.

You and I both know that this is not true in most cases. People may find their lives meaningless but little miracles happen everyday. It can be a smile from a stranger after a hard day?s work, a hug from a friend after a misunderstanding, or a wad of paper bills in your pocket after losing your wallet. After years of friendship and a couple of failed relationships, two of my block mates in college found comfort in each other after a movie date. Now that?s what I call a simple miracle, something ordinary turned love extraordinaire! Countless and endless are the things that happen or can happen to us everyday. Some people look at their lives with pity while some look at the brighter side of things. Only a few are able to appreciate their lives. I?d like to think that somehow I?ve been able to appreciate the many things I have in life but admittedly I still am learning how to make each day worthwhile. My point really is whether you?re feeling low or high, happy or depressed, something ordinary can turn into something that changes your life forever. Stay awake and look out for those moments because you?ll never know what life can offer you next.

For tet and lac, I'm glad you finally found each other...

Jenna
09/08/04

Unwanted Dreams

I woke up again with a dream having you in it. I know it was one of those nice dreams where I want it to last a bit longer and never wanting to wake up. But this time I wanted to wake up. As I stared at the ceiling, I thought of you again and how you must be sleeping peacefully on your bed. I swear I had the urge of sending you a text message, but stopped when I saw the time on my phone. It was 0335H in bright turquoise. I stared long hard at it, and realized I?ve woken up again in the wee hours of the morning. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn?t. My mind pushed me into thinking of you again. I wanted to scream. ?For Pete?s sake please stop thinking about him! In fact, quit thinking full stop!?

I DNT KNW WATS KPING ME DRAWN 2 U. UR SMBDY I LUK 4WRD 2 SEEING EACH DAY. U MY NT KNW I EXIST BT STIL M ALWYS HIR, W8NG 4 U 2 LUK MY WAY ND APREC8 MY XSTENCE?

That anonymous text haunted me. At one point I wished it were you who sent it. But then again it was sent to me by mistake from some stranger who perhaps feels the same way about someone. I do wonder about this strange feeling. A lot. I go out of my mind just analyzing everything until I get tired of figuring things out. To you I may just be another friend, but to me?you gave me something to look forward to every morning, at the same time an absurd reason for me not wanting to get out of bed by the thought of seeing you and you not knowing how much this burdens me. Sometimes you scare me, every little thing you do just turns me on. Everyday I see you so unaware of the situation. And for that I envy you.
Yet you look so burdened by life that you just want to stop the world from turning. The past haunts you like mad. I want to help you, that if no one is willing to put you out of it, I just might raise my hand and volunteer. Let me take your pain, I say. Use me for healing, until you find the one.
The thing is, I don?t wish for you to feel the same way. My only prayer is for my heart to take everything as is, even if it means not getting what I want.
We don?t have a future together. We live in different worlds, you and I. It?s up to you to make the choice, though. Because frankly I?m willing to do anything...
Promise, I will let go of you soon. Just give me time. I hope by that time it will be for good.

Written by my dear friend who wanted so much to show the world how she feels about him..but couldn't because sometimes..it's better to leave things the way they are...or maybe it's not yet time...

Questions

How do you know that something is right?
How do you know that what you're feeling is real?
How do you live each day?
How do you learn from the past?
When did you last cry?
When did you last smile?
For what reason? For whom?
Oh the many questions in your mind..
are the same things on mine...
let these be just mere questions
for in time we'll have the answers...

a totally bad day..not good for writing but i had to let these things out...
jen
04/08/04

The Modern Cinderella's Fairy Tale

When I was young, (and I know most of you girls dreamt about this too!) I have always had a clear picture of what my prince charming should be. And, as I began to date and meet a lot of boys, I noticed that my list of characteristics shortened (handsome, smells good, smart, goal-oriented, has a sense of humor?and so on..) and I wondered, could there be a shortage as well of guys who are ala "prince charming" these days?
I remember reading an article I about the ratio of 5 females being born as opposed to one male. Imagine a future where more girls clamor for one guy? No wonder the practice of polygamy is allowed in more countries nowadays. And what if that one guy turns out to be gay? Then, the chances of ending up with my dream guy (or your dream guy) are getting pretty slim. Yet, I continue to meet different guys with the hopes of finding my prince charming.

For years and for so long, our society greatly influenced women's minds to think that the knight in shining armor in our lives are the ones who can ultimately make us happy and fulfilled. Oh I know this may be a bit exaggerated but we have actually put men on a pedestal glorifying them and having certain expectations about them as well. Don't get me wrong, I am not a man hater nor am I a hardcore activist for women's rights.
In fact, I love the men in my life. Who doesn't? Men are great friends, good listeners and companions when all your girlfriends seem to be busy with their own lives or their kids if they already have one. Sometimes when I think about it, one does not really need to be in a relationship with men to understand men. They have their own imperfections. They cry too and sometimes they are even more vain than us when it comes to the latest clothing or hairstyle. They also complain or whine on occasion about the most trivial stuff. Men are flawed human beings just like us women.
Admit it, most of us are still like Cinderella, only this time in a micro-mini skirt or a power suit waiting for the perfect guy, the prince charming who's going to sweep you off your feet. Sorry but today, the prince might be coming a little bit late because he might be stuck in traffic or just to lazy to get up. I guess what I am really trying to say is that women these days should enjoy being single. The modern Cinderella does not depend on men for her happiness, and she is open to meeting a lot of flawed princes? for that matter. A friend of mine and her officemates make it a point to meet at least one boy each month and admittedly, even if they haven't found their match, each one of them are having the time of their lives. Well, Shouldn't we? After all, we only get to live young once we might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I know I do. So what if it doesn't end up like a happy ending? At least you can put it in your long list of experiences that teaches you a thing or two about life. Someday, somewhere is a prince for each one of us or maybe not but it doesn't matter, what matters is how you lived your life. Don't worry just in case I find him, the world is going to know about it.

For Les...i know you'll find your prince...
By: Jenna Sto. Tomas
04/05/04

Mushy One Liners

"I guess I'm scared that somebody might sweep me off my feet before you even realize it's you I want to be with..."

"so which is it? time is gold or patience is a virtue? between the two i'd rather not waste time and find myself losing what i have with you..."

"think of it as a gamble...you never know if you're going to lose or win the jackpot...but you take the risk because you feel you're going to win..and you'll never know unless you try."

"I tried changing myself for you...but that didn't work and now that you're seeing me for the first time...I'd like to know what you think."


Jen
03/08/04

Sugar 'n Spice and Everything Nice

'Tis not True
that if there's beauty
there's no brain
she'll prove you wrong
look at her and see
the graceful ballerina
the perfect smile
the innocent remarks
with wit to match
her heart is pure
and her love is gold
to everyone she's someone worth keeping
and she truly is all that and more...

For Paui, it was only yesterday when i looked at you as a baby...and now
you are a beautiful person and no one can take that away from you...
be bold and daring yet
keep that heart of yours from getting tainted...

Jenna
08/02/04
9:30 am

Little One

This young head of hers
can teach you a thing or two
careful you might hurt this little soul
so fond of things trivial and essential
like her lovebirds' death
like the loss of a necklace
listen to her words as she speaks
the most interesting things
you'll ever hear
an old soul in a child's body
and yes, we love her dearly...


ForMika...you have a gift for words that people
should hear...I hope you'll also learn to love writing
as much as you love reading.

Jenna
01/08/04

Death of an Angel

Sitting in just one corner
uttering words that one cannot hear
His eyes look into everywhere
His body thin as a stick can be
Frail as he is
his presence was felt
to those who loved, cared,
taunted, laughed, or bemused at him
a special soul
serene and peaceful
this last breath of an angel...


For Tito Boy, the world misses you but we know you finally
reached your real home...


Jenna
08/01/04

Gray November...

See you in November
where the sea is neither black nor white
and somewhere in between
are gray spots
something murky
something vague
eyes all on me
afraid to really see
could there be light for me
in the depths of the sea?

Jenna
4:05pm
08/01/04

afterthoughts and candy bars...

Today i woke up feeling a little bit lazy
The sky is dim.
The road is full of passersby and cars from here to there.
My head  is spinning and my emotions are high.
all i know is  
how the world goes round and round
how he moves me

oh just an afterthought
munching me
one after the other
like candy bars you can't resist
 


Oh my..this is really super vague..haha...bear with it though! i'm not in the right frame of mind right now...
Jenna
29/07/04
 

CHANGING COLORS

swift as the wind
broken pieces of an old self
mirrored in the sharp edged sword
strucked her once
but wounded her a million times over
and that would be the end of it...

For you who gave everything to him..you'll be ok...
Jen
2004

because of the moon

 
Staring at that half-baked moon
Dumfounded by the beauty it exudes
Speechless by the light that it bore
Such a simple sight
Such a pure delight
Just watching the imperfection
Through my tear strained eyes
No such moment as this
Is equaled to a perfect bliss…

jenna
2004

Bukas na lang...

Nakita ko ang liwanag sa mga mata niya, hindi ko alam kung bakit ngunit nakaramdam ako ng kakaibang lungkot sa aking loob. Pilit kong isinantabi ang nararamdaman sa kubli ng isang ngiting daig pa ang colgate komersiyal to save the world from cavities.  Ok lang, mas nanaisin ko pang itago na lang to kesa malaman niya.  Naisip ko tuloy marahil sa pagkakataong ito, dumating na nga ang pinakahihintay niyang sandali, ang kanyang ultimate dream come true?  Napagtanto ko ilang saglit lamang, teka teka…eh ano nga ba yun dream nitong mokong na to? Bakit kaya ang saya saya niya?   

Kung kaya’t lumapit ako sabay tanong, “Hoy bakit kakaiba yang mukha mo, parang di maipinta di ko malaman kung natatae ka ba o ano, ano bang meron?� (sabay ngiting plastic na naman ako..na parang may camera sa harapan ko)

Walang anu-ano’t sinagot niya ang aking tanong sa pamamagitan ng isang yakap. Mahigpit ito at tila ayaw na niya akong pakawalan.  Nagulat naman ako at niyakap din sha. Sa isip isip ko ng saglit na iyon: “kasing sabihin..walangya talaga tong taong to mamatay na ako sa suspense at kaba pero ok lang yon…hay..ang bango naman niya (sigh)â€�

At kahit medyo hindi na nga ako makahinga ay tiniis ko na lamang, siyempre ayoko naman sirain ang momentum niya , isa pa memorable moment  ito na para bang pag nanood ka ng sine tapos ipapakita ang climax ng pelikula.   Yung bida yayakapin ang leading lady dahil sa natamong tagumpay.  Parang ganito yong moment  na ‘to.  Aba siyempre, ako ata ang leading lady!    

Sa tinagal tagal na naming magkaibigan, nitong mga huling araw ko lamang din napagtanto sa aking sarili kung gaano kalaki ang impluwensiya sa akin ng aming pagkakaibigan.  Nakita na ata ng nilalang na ito ang lahat lahat sa akin.  Lahat ng pinagdaanan ko, lahat ng mga kaungasan ko, katangahan at samu’t saring karanasan sa buhay maliban sa isang bagay, bagay na tungkol sa kanya at sa aking sarili. At sa kabila ng lahat, ni minsan hindi ko nga rin naman nagawang sabihin sa kanya kung gaano siya kahalaga sa akin.  Magtangka man ako, laging nanatili sa pagbabalak at pagtatangka. Laging nabibitin.  

Sabi ko kasi lagi sa aking sarili, “bukas na lang kaya..baka tawanan lang ako nito eh.â€�  Alam na alam ko sa aking sarili na labis akong magdaramdam kapag tinawanan niya ako kung kaya’t sa paglipas ng mga taon, kapag nagkakaroon ako ng pagkakataong sabihin sa kanya ang aking nararamdaman ay “bukas na langâ€� ang parati kong sinasabi sa sarili.

Hindi ko alam bakit hindi ko magawa, sa tuwing ibubuka ko na ang aking mga bibig ay iba naman ang lumalabas na mga salita.  Hay naku, alam kong alam mo rin ang feeling ng ganito, yung parang may gusto kang sabihin na nasa dulo na ng dila mo tapos biglang iba yung lalabas.  Katulad ng isang lalaking magtatapat sa isang babaeng gusto niyang mapaibig, akala mo handang handa ng magdeklara ng tunay niyang nararamdaman pero ang lalabas sa bibig “oy kamusta ka na? kumain ka na? tara labas tayoâ€� Eh di balik na naman sa dati, iisipin ni babae na wala talagang gusto si lalaki sa kanya at talagang barkada lang sila.  Hanggang doon na lang yon wala ng iba.  Period.  Pagkatapos isang araw, dadaan si babae sa harap ni lalaki at ipapakilala ang kanyang bagong nobyo. Kakamay si lalaki sa nobyo ni babae na parang wala lang sa kanya.  Sabay pag-alis ng dalawa, mapapailing na lamang siya at sasabihing, “sana hindi ko na ipinagpabukas.â€�

Sa mga ganoong sitwasyon ako takot na takot baka dahil sa pagpapabukas ko..ganoon din ang mangyari kaya naman sa sasandaling mga yakap na yoon ay napagtanto ko agad na marahil ito na rin ang tamang oras upang sabihin sa kanya ang napakatagal ko ng nais sabihin.  Pakiramdam ko tuloy ay nagtatalo ang aking puso at isip. Para akong mababaliw. Hindi pwede sabi ni isip. Sige na live for the moment  pilit naman ni puso.  Ano ba talaga kuya? Siguro iisipin ng marami, “sus, ang dali dali lang sabihin ehâ€� yung iba naman makikiayon sa akin na kapag malalim na malalim ang nasasa-loob ng isang tao, tunay na mahirap itong maiparating sa pamamagitan ng mga salita.  At ito rin ay nagpapatotoo sa maraming bagay dito sa mundo, sabi nga nila mayroon lamang itim o puti walang kulay gray. 

Sa mahabang panahon alam kong nanatili ako sa gitna, sa kulay gray, sa aking comfort zone palibhasa isa akong duwag, takot sa maaring magbago sakaling malaman niya.  Oo na duwag na kung duwag, pero kung kayo rin naman ang nasa katayuan ko, hindi maiiwasang ipagpanalanging manatili ang mga bagay-bagay o mga tao sa buhay nyo at isiping hindi ito magbabago lalong lalo na kung itong mga ito ay nakapagpapasaya sa iyo.  Oo, alam ko rin mali itong ganitong pananaw, mamaya nyan dalihan mo pa ako ng linyang the only constant in this world is change. 

Alam ko naman yon eh. Darating ang panahon na kailangang magbago ang takbo ng buhay.  Hindi nga ba walang nananatili sa taas ng matagal, kung minsan nasa ibaba ka naman, kung minsan may pera kung minsan wala, at kung minsan malas ka minsan naman swerte. 

At sana nga itong minsang ito swerte ako kung sakaling sabihin ko.  Kung ano man yon na lumikha sa atin, saludo at bow ako sa kanya sa sobrang galing kung paano niyang nilikha ang napakakomplikadong nilalang tulad ng tao.  Para sa akin, mananatiling misteryo ang tao na kahit gaano man niya katagal pag-aralan ang sarili niya, pira-piraso lamang ang makikita at matutuklasan niya sa sarili. 

Ay teka teka, masyado ata akong nalibang.  Mabalik tayo sa dati kong kwento, ito na nga at hindi ko namalayan na binitawan na pala niya ako.  Nauna siyang magsalita, “meron akong good news, sobrang saya ko sobrang swerte ko pa!â€� (Naisip ko, naku sinuwerte daw siya…baka mamaya malasin ako…)

 â€œEh ano nga yon? Ikaw talaga pa-suspense pa!â€� sabay bulalas ko. 

“Kasi ganito yon, natatandaan mo si Lea? Yung kababata ko noon, diba lagi ko siyang kinukuwento sayo? Babalik na siya mula sa Amerika at dito na uli titira�

“Ah si Lea, O taaaapooosss asan ang swerte don???�…(titingnan ko siya ng kakaiba pagpapahiwatig na di ko talaga gets ang sinasabi niya)

“Tapos ngayon na siya dadating, papakilala kita.  Alam niyang ikaw ang besprend ko dito sa Pinas na lagi kong pinagmamalaki.â€�

“Ows? Ako pinagmamalaki mo? Di nga?� (Pabiro kong sabi pero sa loob-loob ko sasabog ata ako sa saya, di ko ata ito kaya, sa unang pagkakataon ay nabanggit niyang proud siya sa akin?)

“Oo naman! Ikaw talaga! Sabi ko pa nga kay lea magiging mabuting magkaibigan din kayo dahil kayo ang dalawang taong importante sa akin at hindi magbabago yon. Kaya swerte ako, makakasama ko kayo pareho.�

“Talaga lang ah, ang drama mo ha!â€� sabi ko.  (Pero wag ka, parang kinilig ako…medyo..konti lang…o sige na nga, todo kilig ang naramdaman ko.)

“Ito naman minsan lang ako magdrama, tanggapin mo na. Saka nga pala kung pwede ka mamaya sunduin natin si Lea.  Wala kasing susundo sa kanya eh, yung pamilya niya asa Amerika lahat tapos yun tita niya na dapat magsusundo eh may sakit. Kawawa naman yun pag walang sumundo eh di na ata sanay yon dito sa Pilipinas.â€�

“Uhh….o sige pwede siguro ako mamaya.  Teka bakit parang iba yata ang concern mo dito kay Lea, akala ko ba eh kababata mo lang to at wala ng iba?â€� (Siyempre mag-usisa ba daw na parang girlfriend..sana hindi niya mahalata ang selos sa tono ng boses ko.)

“Ano ka ba, oo nga matagal na yon bata pa kami non pero siyempre matalik na kaibigan ko pa rin naman si Lea, we’ve kept in touch even when she was in the states.�

“So wala kang kahit anong feelings sa kanya?� (Ano ba to…sobra na ang pagtatanong ko…makakahalata na to..)

“Feelings? Hindi ko naisip yan, di ko pa naman kasi siya uli nakakasama kaya mahirap sagutin.  Teka teka, eh bakit ba kanina ka pa tanong ng tanong, basta uuwi na si Lea at magiging magkakabarkada tayong tatlo.â€�

“Wala naman, curious lang to naman!� (Palusot pa ako kunwari pero talagang gusto ko lang malaman kung mayroon ba siyang gusto kay Lea…mukha namang wala kaya sige sasabihin ko na kaya?)

“So talagang desidido kang magkakasundo kami ni Lea ha�

“Oo naman, I’m sure magugustuhan mo yon!â€� (Sabay taas ng kilay ko...paano ko magugustuhan si Lea eh baka mamaya mawala ako sa eksena nito…pero siyempre, sa tanda na naming ito ayoko naman maging immature kaya hindi ko na lang hahayaan sirain ng feelings ko para sa kanya ang pagkakataong makilala itong si Lea.  Naku..if I know, kala nyo makitid utak ko noh? Hindi ah…bigyan natin ng chance si Lea tutal sabi niya wala silang relasyon o kaya feelings sa kanya)

“O sige basta sabi mo ok siya kasama ha!�

“Oo naman, ako pa, kelan ba ako sumablay?�

“Titingnan natin� (sabay ngiting may halong sarcasm)

“O basta mamaya magkita na lang tayo, daanan na lang kita sa bahay niyo.�

“O sige ba, pero teka lang ako rin may sasabihin sa’yo, kala mo ikaw lang ang may surprise..ako din noh!â€� (sa mga oras na ito, mabuti na lang at nakatago ang mga kamay ko sa bulsa ng aking pantalon dahil nanginginig  at nanlalamig ang mga ito sa kaba.  Eto na…final answer..sasabihin ko na)

“Ah talaga? O ano naman ang balita mo? Good news rin ba to?� (Tinitigan ko ang mukha niya na parang isang batang naghihintay ng isang surpresa…hindi ko tuloy malaman kung makakasama ba o makabubuti ang sasabihin ko sa kanya.)

“Ummm..siguro good news…�

 â€œO sige ano yon? Tingnan ngaâ€�

“Wag ka mabibigla ha, promise?�

“O bakit naman? Sige promise.�

Nilihis ko muna ang usapan.  Sabi ko, “oo nga pala, napansin mo ba hindi na uso ngayon yun swear kundi promise na ang sinasabi ngayon?â€�

Natawa kami pareho sa komento ko, kahit sa isang saglit nalimutan niyang may sasabihin ako. Pero hindi rin nagtagal, naalala na naman niya.

“Oy ano nga yun sasabihin mo, kaw talaga paligoy-ligoy ka pa!�

“Eh kasi ganito yon, nung isang araw nag-grocery si nanay tapos may pa-raffle, eh nalaman namin nanalo siya ng barkada trip to boracay.  Kaya tamang tama siguro pagdating ni Lea pwedeng tayo na lang ang gumamit non, tutal pareho tayong di pa nakakapunta don eh.â€� (in fairness, totoo naman talagang nanalo ang nanay ko sa raffle…ewan bakit nauna pa tong balitang to kaysa sa sasabihin ko tungkol sa feelings ko sa kanya)

“Aba! Ayos to ah, ang saya naman ng balitang yan, kaw talaga kala ko kung anong balita na yon, nung hindi mo pa sinasabi to kinabahan ako eh!� (sabay halakhak niya, ako naman tumawa rin…tawang di mapakali)

“O paano yan? Kita tayo mamaya ha, kelangan ko pa sunduin yung kapatid kong brat sa school niya eh.�

“ah ganon ba? Sige mamaya na langâ€� (sa loob-loob ko…ang talagang gusto kong sabihin “ah ganon ba? Sige  bukas na lang..bukas ko na lang sasabihin ang feelings ko para sayo…â€�

Dudugtungan ko na dapat yung sinabi kong balita tungkol sa raffle, pero naunsyami na naman, baka bukas may moment uli dumating sa aming dalawa. Anong malay ko di ba? Baka bukas suwertehin ako, baka nga doble swerte pa.

(ay oo nga pala, di lang feelings ang dapat kong sabihin, dapat sasabihin ko rin na ang gusto ko ay siya, at ang mga kauri niya..mga lalaki…kaya nga selos na selos ako kay Lea…naisip ko nga baka mamaya niyan maging matchmaker pa yon at ipagparehas kami ni Lea…aba ayoko nga, hindi kaya ng powers ko…pero bukas na lang din siguro, baka bukas makaipon ako ng mas maraming lakas ng loob…saka oy ha hindi kaya madaling sabihin sa besprend ko na isa akong bakla…bukas na lang uli…haay…better luck next time)   

(Para sa kaibigan kong si Renan) 

Jenna
2003

For those who gave up on love easily...

As cliche as it may sound, heartaches are there to make you stronger, wiser, and for you to be a better person.  The first few days after a break-up is always the hardest.  You never know where to start or how to go from there.  Every object, word, phrase, sound, that you see, hear, or feel might be a constant reminder of him.  and it hurts because it cuts down to the deepest part of your being.  Then there's the occasional crying bouts where you feel even worse after pouring it all out.  You go through a defense mechanism thinking that you're ok but you're really not because the truth is..you still love him after all.  You become insecure and you ask yourself, "is something wrong with me?" There really is no sure way or path when getting into a relationship.  You'll never really know what happens in the end if you don't start it at all.  So, you take the risk with innocence and wonder, putting all your defenses down, giving everything you've got because you think every feeling must be worth it.  Yet, you're now at a loss after the separation.  Like a traveler lost in a foreign land, you don't know how or where to go.  It's a good thing though that there are kind strangers or friends that you meet along the way.  They offer insights and knowledge on how you can start turning your life around again into a beautiful memory worth remembering.  Life is not just about pain and sorrow.  It's more about learning as well as creating colorful pictures of experiences good or bad.  You may not be feeling well now but you will later on.  Pain is something that you're bound to experience once in a while and before you know it, you've already moved on with your life and that dreaded memory of the boy you once loved will be just a faded picture from the past.  It will be just something that you can laugh about.  You have loved and you've been loved in return.  Nothing can ever replace that exchange of pristine sentiments.  He may be gone from your life but it doesn't stop there.  Others are still bound to come. They say that the circle of love is a vicious cycle because it may seem that you're always making the same mistakes again.  I say it's a magnificient circle to be able to extend your being to another.  Love is and always will be the greatest irony of all.  Even if you got hurt, felt pain or anger, admittedly, you also felt intense joy and happiness.  That's what makes it something unique and special.  Say farewell and good riddance but thank him for making you a better person.  You lost him but you gained more from seeing what life still has to offer.  Maybe you'll see him again or may be not, maybe he's still in your life but it doesn't really matter now.  Just keep on living, loving and learning because that's what this is all about.

jenna
2pm
2004