---Makers and Breakers by DaphneLovesDerby
astrogurl: do you think I'm a bad person?
ulaol: hindi naman bakit may problema ba?
astrogurl: hmmm....a lot of things bother me lately
ulaol: may kagalit ka ba o may nagagalit sa iyo?
astrogurl: wala..none of the above
ulaol: so ano?
astrogurl: can i tell you something?
ulaol: anu un
ulaol: ano sasabihin mo?
astrogurl: wala nevermind..
ulaol: ano nga basta wag lang ikaiilang ko
astrogurl:what do you think
ulaol: about
astrogurl: ano bang pwedeng sabihin sayo na ikaiilang mo?
ulaol: ewan ko
astrogurl: it bothers me na iiwanan mo na naman ako sa ere just like before and i think it's unfair that just because i have something to say...ganon na lang...
ulaol: hay...
astrogurl: haaaay...
(and astrogurl goes invi mode because she's scared as always when it comes to him)
I think that my innate capacity to complicate things has led me to the conclusion that maybe things are better left unsaid. I know for sure that thoughts of inevitable hurt or dissapointment is just bound to come my way.
The past week went by with a blur because I have been so busy and only during those times that I stop and take a breather that his memory comes to mind. So many memories of the things that happened to us linger for a while, haunting me, and scaring me now more than ever.
A few years back, he suddenly dissappeared from my life without any explanation or warning. He just plain stopped talking to me unless absolutely needed. I on the other, cried for days, weeks, and months to end till I felt my tear glands protesting already. Nobody knew about it but me. Then, one day, I just left all the questions I wanted to ask him at the back of my mind and I tried to move on. I vowed to myself never to grieve again for so long and as the years passed, I learned how not to grieve at all.
Back then, I thought that maybe he has his own reasons he doesn't want me to know or maybe he just didn't want to have anything to do with me. I saw him occasionally during gatherings or parties but we never really went further than the line "so, how are you?". (Just recently I learned that in their drinking sessions, he talks about me, now what's up with that?)
How time flies by, now that he is back in my life, I think that we are both at a loss as to how to deal with the thought of "us". Sure I am scared to death of being hurt like that again but now that I have the opportunity to clear up things with what I consider to be the greatest what if of my life, I feel that I am hanging on the edge. I am thinking and feeling everything all at the same time. I have mixed emotions about the situation that I am in right now but I am alright.
Somehow, the years that we spent not seeing each other taught me a lot about how to deal with these things. I don't find myself in the same vicicous cycle of love. I am more calm and I think I finally learned how to let things flow.
if you're reading this, i want you to know that i want to talk about us. Let's not waste our time again...please?
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