Was I worth a penny?

After drinking 6 bottles of beer:

astrogurl: you're not suppose to spoil me
HIM: what makes you think i spoil you?
astrogurl: I don't know...
HIM: that's the way you're supposed to be treated you know

It felt like a slap in the face when he said that because I never really did think that someone would actually go through all that trouble just to please me. Why bother? But I came to the conclusion that admittedly, I did not think I was worth it. I thought that I was not worth all his efforts because I do not feel the same way about him.

Whether I happen to like him or not is not the point though, what he said actually revealed a portion of the way I see myself. I felt sad to have realized just how much of a shallow person I have become. It occured to me just how much I have changed over the past months due to certain unexpected situations and experiences, the people that I meet, and the kind of attitude I had with me upon dealing with these things. When I get hurt, I move on. I don't let pain linger and I don't allow any hint of self-pity and yet in doing so, I forgot how to feel. I don't even know now what it's like to risk and lose everything because before anything happens, I tend to runaway from things. Running away meant less hurt, less pain, and sadly, less room for growth..for maturity...for change...

Where does one pick up the pieces of a broken self especially when he or she doesn't even know where to look for it and how to start looking?

astrogurl
09/20/04
2:40