Saying goodbye to Singledom

Love is a choice -- not simply, or necessarily, a rational choice, but rather a willingness to be present to others without pretense or guile. Love is a conversion to humanity -- a willingness to participate with others in the healing of a broken world and broken lives. Love is the choice to experience life as a member of the human family, a partner in the dance of life, rather than as an alien in the world or as a deity above the world, aloof and apart from human flesh.
-- Carter Heyward
Passion for Justice

Other girls would love to have a commitment..I on the other hand think otherwise...I have been single (and happy) for so long that I actually don't remember how to be a girlfriend. I think I was traumatized by past lovers and guys who hurt me, then again, I think not. I dated, I went out with friends, I did everything I ever wanted. Freedom at its peak, so to speak.

Then one day someone came and told me he likes me. (What were you thinking?!!!)

Don't get me wrong, I didn't feed him food that has "gayuma" or anything of that sort. I was myself the whole time and the one thing I couldn't believe was that someone was capable of loving/liking me even if I didn't long for anyone. (Yes, at this point I realized I have been single for so long...)

I ran away from anything that resembled commitment (romantically that is...). Just thinking about having one makes me sick..you know, that whole can't breathe, hyperventilating, ulcer attack thing happens to me... (right osang?). But then again, maybe I was wrong all along...maybe that change I was looking for was just right under my nose. Maybe I needed to commit to someone in order to feel a sense of purpose...of being loved and loving in return.

So here I am at a crossroad trying to decide whether I want to take the plunge or not. I wish I had all the time in the world to decide...but I don't..and I am bad in making decisions. A part of me is telling me to do it and to take the risk, the other part says...hold on to singledom a little bit more.

Singledom was my refuge from anything resembling pain, hurt, anger, and emotion. In singledom I was allowed to be independent, to take whenever I want to take, to give what I can only give, to love what I only want to love, to seek what I only want to seek, to cry only for the joy of my daily triumphs...I wonder, what would happen to me if I leave singledom and move to the now alien territory called Commitment.

The thought is scary but I guess I'd have to dip my hands into it...sooner or later...who knows??