Home Sweet Home

"We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us - how we can take it, what we do with it - and that is what really counts in the end. How to take the raw stuff of life and make it a thing of worth and beauty - that is the test of living." - Joseph Newton


emo_gurl: ikaw nagpapa-complicate ng buhay mo eh..
astrogurl: hmm...ako ba? oo nga eh....
emo_gurl: ikaw kaya yung nagsabing magkikita kayo pag-uwi mo...
astrogurl: oo nga ako nga...eh kasi gusto din malaman kung may sparks pa ba after all these years...
emo_gurl: ayan tingnan mo nangyari..
astrogurl: haay..oo nga...


Going home to the province was something I really looked forward to during the weekend. However, things got busy and then I found myself not having the time nor the energy for travelling even if it's just an hour and a half drive Pretty much like the time I spend in EDSA during rush hour.

I dread the thought of going home because it would mean going back to things and people of the past and I for one thing is particularly running away from someone. A hard task at hand. Let me tell you the story of a teensy weensy bit of a ten year old girl so unaware and innocent and the first time she laid her eyes on someone. As they say, there's always a first for everything.

At first, I found him arrogant and boastful but this first impression did not last because I found myself wanting to see him everyday in our backyard. We became good friends along with our other neighbors but I knew then that he treated me differently. We were both special to each other. But unlike any other fairy tale, this Aladin left his Jasmine and flew on his magic carpet. It actually took me years and buckets of tears just to forget him. Pretty soon, I had a boyfriend and I heard that he had his own girlfriend as well.

From time to time, I would go home to the province during weekends but I never really did see him. Call me a plain coward or just full of pride but I refused to see him. Why? Because I did not want all those pent up feelings for him to go back in just a snap when in fact I spent years just trying to erase his memory from my mind.

Well guess what? Life is indeed full of surprises..and things happen for a reason because one Saturday night, we saw each other again. We were like two complete strangers with eyes that speak of an old friendship..or rather love? I'm not sure about that last part because I realized we were both too young at that time to quantify it as love.

Looking at him again, I knew I lost that battle within myself. He won me over in just a snap..(and if you're reading this..don't let it get to your head) but yes, he did it again. Some questions were answered but more questions surfaced after seeing him again. Is this the continuation of something that was started ten years ago? Or maybe we just missed each other so much?

I'm still high from that kiss he gave me, and boy, 10 years worth of kiss is sure to cause temporary insanity. I am insane, I am crazy and I think coming home that weekend was one of the best decisions I have ever made...

For marymoe... you sure made one hell of a mess out of me..but nevertheless..I hope you know you're the reason I was looking for...our story never did end...in fact..i think this is just the beginning of things to come...(tama na..sobrang emo na..)

Was I worth a penny?

After drinking 6 bottles of beer:

astrogurl: you're not suppose to spoil me
HIM: what makes you think i spoil you?
astrogurl: I don't know...
HIM: that's the way you're supposed to be treated you know

It felt like a slap in the face when he said that because I never really did think that someone would actually go through all that trouble just to please me. Why bother? But I came to the conclusion that admittedly, I did not think I was worth it. I thought that I was not worth all his efforts because I do not feel the same way about him.

Whether I happen to like him or not is not the point though, what he said actually revealed a portion of the way I see myself. I felt sad to have realized just how much of a shallow person I have become. It occured to me just how much I have changed over the past months due to certain unexpected situations and experiences, the people that I meet, and the kind of attitude I had with me upon dealing with these things. When I get hurt, I move on. I don't let pain linger and I don't allow any hint of self-pity and yet in doing so, I forgot how to feel. I don't even know now what it's like to risk and lose everything because before anything happens, I tend to runaway from things. Running away meant less hurt, less pain, and sadly, less room for growth..for maturity...for change...

Where does one pick up the pieces of a broken self especially when he or she doesn't even know where to look for it and how to start looking?

astrogurl
09/20/04
2:40

Kisses and Curses

"Well here I am don't know how to say this, only thing I know..is awkward silence..."
---FREAKISH By Saves the Day

I'd like to love you but I won't
I'd like to hate you but I can't

Things are not what it used to be
How can a simple thing
turn into unfazed complexity?

Don't even bother; don't even try to argue
I hope you feel my kisses in your dreams
and hear my curses when you wake up

I'm screaming in silence
Killing your memory with this succulent apathy

All I want to do is
Kiss you in my dreams
and curse you when I wake up

to make everything all right

I know I'm selfish
but I know I'm right
To keep you at arms length
is probably the best thing to do for now...

astrogurl is currently trying to figure out a way
to keep herself from falling...
09/19/04

The Truth Hurts...

My six year old cousin Mika is extremely smart and has an ability to say the right things at the right time. One time we had the most interesting conversation:

Me: Hey Mika..why do you think two people who love each other break up?
Mika: hmm..maybe they don't like each other anymore...or they don't love each other anymore.
Me: Ohhh..you really think so?
then she gave me an innocent look and said..
Mika: I don't know...maybe...let's go play over there!
Me: Ok...

She may not be aware of it but I knew that the little girl who was with me was right in more ways than one. She spoke of truth that most adults like me wouldn't even dare to accept simply because the truth hurts, and it hurts like hell. Then again, I'm the type of person who avoids wallowing in self-pity and pain. I move on and I move on fast..I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

jen
09/13/04

Dying in My Sleep...

I feel nothing
Something in me awakened;
A heightened sense of being

Your tears are precious
It's yours to keep
I want smiles and fondness
For all memories shared
I did not mean to hurt anyone
I did not mean to say goodbye
With a mere letter

But know that I got what I wanted
To sleep in solitude
To weep in silence
For all things missed,
And left behind

Don?t look for reasons
I ask only acceptance
Without questions,
Without judgments

My legacy is you
Who believed in me
Who suffered with me
Who needed me
Who cared for me
Who loved me

This is just the beginning
Of another journey
To an unknown territory
Maybe a thousand broken souls are waiting for me?
Or maybe Im the only one out there.
Fear was never really a good companion
Yet courage came along with me
After my last breath...

Death is comfort, death is mystery, death is precious...

Losing yourself, someone, or something is a brush with death...
There's a tiny speck of hope, a sudden urge to escape from reality...and back...
I lingered in these feelings but I never allowed it to eat me up...
the end of something is definitely not the end of everything...

for those who lost..and are trying to find themselves again...I'm with you all...
jen
09/07/04