Falling Apart and Finding Myself

Nothing much has been going on in my life except for a few surprises here and there. I take comfort in the fact that I can be alone with myself and yet there are times that I dread being alone. Maybe because I have to face questions at the back of my mind and start searching for answers I don't even know where to start looking for. Questions that haunt me are often the same questions that most people ask. Who am I? Where am I headed? Am I living the life I want? and so on...A friend once told me that the essence of life is finding your balance. Upon finding this balance are choices that I had to make regardless of the consequences or the outcome. Sometimes you really have to make a choice, and then there are times when you really have no choice at all that suddenly you find yourself in a deep mess---that is your life.

I'd like to think that I have at least tried to live my life the best way that I could. I was not afraid to try and experience new things and meet different people. On the other hand, by trying out different things, I gave up some things that marked who I am. Things change, people change and looking back, I realized just how much things and situations have changed me. I just don't know just what my capacity is for transforming myself. Sometimes it's easier to fall apart than to stand firm. It's easier to just simply fall into the moment and not worry about anything else. And since I am this overly spontaneous stubborn girl, most, if not all the time I get too caught up and lost in it all that sometimes I emerge into the surface not as a better person but a lost one. The whole idea behind living life to the fullest to find oneself no longer appealed to me because I am now more lost than ever. I thought I knew what I wanted and needed but now I admit I don't know anything at all. I'm just another lost soul trying to make sense of everthing. It's never easy finding oneself.

I have often believed in Fr. Ferriols' famous philo quote "Lundagin mo Beybe," which actually tells the person to take the plunge with your whole being. As much as I would like to jump, maybe for now it's better to wait for someone to push me over the edge.

Jen

08/31/04

12:08