?Knowing nothing is better than knowing at all?
---On My Own By The Used
?Just because you said what you wanted doesn?t make it right?just for a moment, just one more time, just for one second and we?ll be just fine, this could be the last time that I could hold you?
---
Seeing an old flame brings a different sort of intoxication, a mixture of bittersweet memories of the past and a reality so clear you can even taste it. Regardless of how the relationship was or how it ended, that person from the past will always be a part of who you are. Much as I?d like to avoid emphasizing that fact especially to those unfortunate ones who may want to forget, more so, erase that person in their minds, I hate to say this but that?s something many of us can?t and won?t do. Why? Someone once told me that that ?once there always there.? Indeed the mind is powerful and there are things that the mind can choose to forget but the heart just simply cannot. And included in that list is the ex, former lover, old flame, resident asshole/bitch, and just about anything you would want to name him or her. I?m talking about the same person you used to love, shared a lot of memories with, cried your heart out for, felt bitter about, but most importantly taught you a thing or two.
The end of every relationship gives new light to the meaning of friendship. The question really is whether you?ll be able to stay friends with him/her. Moreover, even if either of you agreed to stay friends or be friends, only time can tell whether you can do it or not since feelings can still linger or it might be that wounds are still fresh. You and I both know that friendship and any other relationship is a conscious effort for both parties involved. So it only works if both of you work on it as well.
And so life goes on because it should. Just when you thought that this person was out of your life already, after a couple of months or rather years, you get a text message, an email, a phone call from him/her saying hi or asking how you are or better yet, you just might bump into him/her once in a while in the midst of your so called busy life.
When I saw him again for the first time after we parted ways, I could not help but feel shocked and relieved at the same time. Shocked at how much both of us changed already in more ways than one. A sense of relief because there were no ?butterflies in the stomach? or that feeling of ?can?t-eat-can?t-sleep-run-over-the-mill-reach-for-the-stars? thing that I used to feel before. Maybe that was a bit dramatic but I hope you get my point. It was like being zoomed back into the past but this time, I knew better than to cry or be I overly emotional about it. I treated him just like any other old friend. There was reminiscing over the happy times but of course I could not help but throw in some sarcastic one liners to answer the many questions that lingered at the back of my mind when things went sour. Needless to say, seeing or just talking to him was refreshing. I guess that?s how I knew I was over him already. I might have felt a little lonely at one point because I can?t help but think that we could have worked it out if both of us tried a little harder yet reality pulled me back and told me that that?s just the way things are and both of us are at a better position now than before. Ironic isn?t it? The person who made you cry and caused enormous pain is also the same person you should be thankful for.
The general attitude towards pain is negative and I won?t argue with that fact. However, there is beauty in pain. Not only does it make our lives interesting, it also provides us a venue for learning from past mistakes. Just imagine your life full of happiness and contentment, and all things good. The thought of having that kind of life is depressing. I?m not saying we shouldn?t aim for that because we must. It?s just that for me, there should always be a tension of the opposites in my life. Just like a well-blended yin and yang, up and down, good and bad, north and south, black and white and so on.
Parting ways with him, I said thank you and this time I genuinely meant it. If in case you?re worried about seeing or talking to that special person from the past, chances are, he or she might be feeling the same too. Smile. Relax. Go with the flow. Later on, you just might surprise yourself with the realization that you?ve accomplished so much even without that person. I know I did.
For ngit, thank you.
Jenna
10/08/04
