gabriel my cousin...ang gwapo noh?  

me and tina 

me, jared, jig, and jon 

fun times 

paulina at her best... 

gabriel.. 

Simple Pleasures

"Memories is a good thing if you don't have to deal with the past"
---Before Sunset

Would you...

Dance with the moonlight?
Succumb to the misty air?
Go barefoot in the sand?
Fall into the depths of the sea?

Would you...

Feel the sunshine
See the darkness with me?
or maybe something in between?

Would you...

Feel my waking hour
Now more than ever...
or be a dying ember?

We can be lost with the wind...
and one with eternity...
but the question is...would you?


For the bodoh, babi, monyet, lemah in me...
For my bersifat perempuan, tidak sedarkan diri..friend...
this one here is for the laughter, the endless banters, the poking, the tickling, the arguments, the companionship, and the joys of simply being together...i know it won't last but these moments are embedded in my memory no matter how bodoh you think i am...;-)

Red Lips and China Eyes

i look at him
and i see
something beautiful
something untapped
something hidden
why such a smile captivates
why little words can engross

i stare at him
and i am speechless
there is no sense in all of this
and yet i see his existence
like a looking glass
why did the man with china eyes
got into me?
yesterday i saw a glint in his eye
like something was on fire
it was then i knew
that the man with china eys
was a lost soulwho found his smile again
it piqued my curiosity
just how much was he
willing to revealfor the world to see?
can he show himself to me?
his lips would reveal everything
that only time can tell
I ask myself whyhe has gotten into me
and only then did I see
it was his red lips and china eyes that did it all...


For all the things trivial and essential...
that add spice to something unexplainable called life...
For the what ifs and what nots...
Jen

Goodnight

This is how I die
One second after the other
slowly and painfully...

with thoughts of you
and all your lies
concealed in your knowing eyes

You make me feel Im nothing
stop the charade..

I'm kissing the moon tonight
before I sleep forever...

10/28/2004
astrogurl
1030am

My 100 Word Stories

Read it and count it...these two are probably the hardest stories i ever made because of the limitation...but it's well worth the effort. Enjoy!


Harmonika

Musikang may alindog ang hatid ng kanyang labi. Mga notang dala ang isang makulay na nakaraan. Kumikinang ang harmonika sa ilalim ng araw, sa mga taong nagdaraan, sa mga jeepney ng lansangan. Ang haranang ito ay mula sa babaeng nakaupo sa labas ng simbahan. Siya?y bulag na minsan ng nakita ang liwanag, putol ang mga paa ngunit patuloy ang paggapang, wala man siyang mga kamay ngunit hawak ang pag-asa sa latang tangan. Tunay ngang kung gaano kabilis ang magkameron, ganon din katulin ang mawalan. Ngayong gabi tahimik ang daan maliban sa umuugong na sigaw ng baliw ?walang himala, walang himala!?

The Candy Bar

I woke up feeling a little bit dizzy. My stomach was already complaining so I opened the cupboard and saw that my candy bar was missing. Horrified at this tragedy, I searched in vain, ran up and down the stairs, went to and from the bathroom, dove in and out of the closet with no luck at all. My suspects were the resident rat in the ceiling, the neighbour?s curious cat, or maybe Becky, my blue-eyed puppy. Revenge was at the back of my mind but I stopped and then I remembered. It was me who ate it last night.

Across the Border

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter
--Marlene Dietrich (1901-1992)

"There are no strangers here, only friends who haven't met"
--Ateneo Student Trainers Motto

The Secret

The first time I met S, she gave me a big smile and it never left her face even when the teasing starts and the work gets harder each day. I never saw her frown either and in a way I am drawn to her because admittedly these past few weeks of stress at work rarely gave me anything to smile about. I got along well with S and she accepted me as a friend and a sister. She once told me that before she met me, she spent most of her time lounging around with our male friends which meant, no female bonding in the past year or so. We shared stories and ideas of love affairs and heartaches, of dreams and broken promises as if we've known each other for a long time. I am the type of person who, at one glance, knows whether I would be close to this person or not...and thankfully, S was someone I felt at ease to share myself with. There is a secret hidden in the eyes of S that only few people know about her. I knew that secret even before she told me. Nevertheless, nothing changed in our friendship. Acceptance is one of the keys to a good friendship and S knows how much I accepted that fact about her.

The Artist

D is one artistic soul. In fact, I'm quite surprised at how well he was able to cope with work knowing that his work involves using the left brain (for logic). His wisdom echoes in my head each time I think about the way I deal with life?s dilemmas. He knows a lot about life and love in general and I guess that?s what makes D a good companion. Someone who listens patiently and one who holds no judgements about people. D is one full proof that good guys still exist?.He sticks up for you like no other and is not afraid to fight for what is right. There is a colourful past speak through his eyes. The journey is long and the road might have been bumpy more times than he might have expected, but D can always take it because he has his princess with him. A true to life fairy tale where the ending was so real even he can't believe it himself.

The China man

He is someone who worked his way into my system. Like how it is when you get accustomed to a new toy. In an odd sort of way, he always makes me laugh even if he doesn?t mean to or even with just the littlest things. He has a way with words like no other; it can make or break someone's day. Moreover, he loves the city like I do. In fact, the fast track and the city lights blend along well with him. There is more to him than meets the eye. I found in him the same passion and zest for life that I always crave for. I guess that?s one the reasons why I was drawn to him. I used to tell him that he?s always either hot or cold but never warm. One minute he?s saying something sweet and the next thing I know he?s scolding me only to find out he was just pulling my leg. Amidst the busy streets and the throngs of people, there is a funny man who makes me smile as if pushing me to be more and to do more. And I have.

Across the border, friendship in any form knows no boundaries or limits. At least that's how it is with these stories.

terima kasih dari hati saya
di dalam pengembaraan hidup, tuhan sering memberkati kita

Skylark

I'm breathing in your skin tonight
Quiet is my loudest cry
Wouldn't wanna wake the eyes that make me melt inside
Kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me

---Rough Draft by Yellowcard


Reality bit me
like a skylark raving mad
singing to the tune
of the dark angel's melody
and sweet sensations...
blurring the eyes that speak
of love unrequited and helpless

this torture is endless
and salvation is unknown to the abbyss
the dreamer is taken to another place
where feelings turn to gold
and hatred turn to stone

wake me up
I need to hear you sing
your lies and your deceptions...

Liars Go to Hell

"I should have known, if I let you into my heart, that you would be tearing it down from the start. Grab a map to see how close we really are, and pretend that I feel blessed but I know that Im not because your leaving.Underneath the shade of this tree, please look me in the eyes and tell me you love me because I need to hear that lie." ---Kent Loves Gig Harbor by Daphne Loves Derby

Sometimes people need to hear lies in order for things to be ok. Like how a husband tells his wife he loves her even if he's cheating on her, or how a guy would make up lies in order to get you to bed. Yes, I know these things are way overboard, but let me get my point across. Different lies of different degrees have different reasons. I guess for some, a certain amount or hint of lie wouldn't hurt but wait till the truth comes in and knocks on your day and say "hello, someone just lied to you, too bad you were so gullible."

I don't know why but any kind of lie to me is still a lie..whether it's a white lie or any other colored lie for that matter. A certain wave of sadness comes over me each time these things happen to me. When I give trust, I give it openly and willingly with no hesitations thinking that the other person can and will not betray that. Not a lot of people are trustworthy.

So how do I deal with this? By simply avoiding these liars and shutting them out of my life. Harsh? yes but its the only way I know to keep my life away from toxicity. When someone starts to lie to you, another lie comes in and it goes on and on...so beware of liars...they are all out there...waiting to pounce.

I have been lied to, too many times and been betrayed by the closest people I know.

Busy Bee or Be Busy?

Where have you been?
I've been waiting so long to hear from you
And all the things that we said we would do
Still remains to be nothing more than plans of the past
We've been too quiet for too long
Where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm
We'll never get this right.
Your words are cold, and the season is too
The comfort in your voice is gone.
Please don't keep in touch.
I'm better off all alone now that you've lost everything I loved
Is this worth the time?
Am I done in your mind?
Will I regret once you're gone?
Why did I ever think that we would be so good?
We've been too quiet for too long
Where is the hope we once had?
It's too late to be saved by your charm
We'll never get this right.
All right, I'm sorry that I even tried.
I was a fool to have hope in you.
--Tennis Court Soundtrack by Daphne Loves Derby

Just wanted to share the lyrics of this song by Daphne Loves Derby. Don't get me wrong, I am not emo(short for emotional) right now mainly because I have no time to think about matters and issues of my heart.

This is the only time that I am thankful for work because it allows me to concentrate on things that I have to do. Here's to another two months of training in hell.

Hanging on the Edge

"Lets break the news and break it fast for us. Do you understand the reason for pain? Or am I the only one who hears it? This awful melody is proof that I will never breathe. But how can I save myself behind the promises I've made. Just to hold on to bitterness. No one needs to know of the nightmares in my head. Cause I am letting go. The beauty of this night is haunting me tonight"
---Makers and Breakers by DaphneLovesDerby

astrogurl: do you think I'm a bad person?
ulaol: hindi naman bakit may problema ba?
astrogurl: hmmm....a lot of things bother me lately
ulaol: may kagalit ka ba o may nagagalit sa iyo?
astrogurl: wala..none of the above
ulaol: so ano?
astrogurl: can i tell you something?
ulaol: anu un
ulaol: ano sasabihin mo?
astrogurl: wala nevermind..
ulaol: ano nga basta wag lang ikaiilang ko
astrogurl:what do you think
ulaol: about
astrogurl: ano bang pwedeng sabihin sayo na ikaiilang mo?
ulaol: ewan ko
astrogurl: it bothers me na iiwanan mo na naman ako sa ere just like before and i think it's unfair that just because i have something to say...ganon na lang...
ulaol: hay...
astrogurl: haaaay...
(and astrogurl goes invi mode because she's scared as always when it comes to him)

I think that my innate capacity to complicate things has led me to the conclusion that maybe things are better left unsaid. I know for sure that thoughts of inevitable hurt or dissapointment is just bound to come my way.

The past week went by with a blur because I have been so busy and only during those times that I stop and take a breather that his memory comes to mind. So many memories of the things that happened to us linger for a while, haunting me, and scaring me now more than ever.

A few years back, he suddenly dissappeared from my life without any explanation or warning. He just plain stopped talking to me unless absolutely needed. I on the other, cried for days, weeks, and months to end till I felt my tear glands protesting already. Nobody knew about it but me. Then, one day, I just left all the questions I wanted to ask him at the back of my mind and I tried to move on. I vowed to myself never to grieve again for so long and as the years passed, I learned how not to grieve at all.

Back then, I thought that maybe he has his own reasons he doesn't want me to know or maybe he just didn't want to have anything to do with me. I saw him occasionally during gatherings or parties but we never really went further than the line "so, how are you?". (Just recently I learned that in their drinking sessions, he talks about me, now what's up with that?)

How time flies by, now that he is back in my life, I think that we are both at a loss as to how to deal with the thought of "us". Sure I am scared to death of being hurt like that again but now that I have the opportunity to clear up things with what I consider to be the greatest what if of my life, I feel that I am hanging on the edge. I am thinking and feeling everything all at the same time. I have mixed emotions about the situation that I am in right now but I am alright.

Somehow, the years that we spent not seeing each other taught me a lot about how to deal with these things. I don't find myself in the same vicicous cycle of love. I am more calm and I think I finally learned how to let things flow.

if you're reading this, i want you to know that i want to talk about us. Let's not waste our time again...please?

Home Sweet Home

"We cannot tell what may happen to us in the strange medley of life. But we can decide what happens in us - how we can take it, what we do with it - and that is what really counts in the end. How to take the raw stuff of life and make it a thing of worth and beauty - that is the test of living." - Joseph Newton


emo_gurl: ikaw nagpapa-complicate ng buhay mo eh..
astrogurl: hmm...ako ba? oo nga eh....
emo_gurl: ikaw kaya yung nagsabing magkikita kayo pag-uwi mo...
astrogurl: oo nga ako nga...eh kasi gusto din malaman kung may sparks pa ba after all these years...
emo_gurl: ayan tingnan mo nangyari..
astrogurl: haay..oo nga...


Going home to the province was something I really looked forward to during the weekend. However, things got busy and then I found myself not having the time nor the energy for travelling even if it's just an hour and a half drive Pretty much like the time I spend in EDSA during rush hour.

I dread the thought of going home because it would mean going back to things and people of the past and I for one thing is particularly running away from someone. A hard task at hand. Let me tell you the story of a teensy weensy bit of a ten year old girl so unaware and innocent and the first time she laid her eyes on someone. As they say, there's always a first for everything.

At first, I found him arrogant and boastful but this first impression did not last because I found myself wanting to see him everyday in our backyard. We became good friends along with our other neighbors but I knew then that he treated me differently. We were both special to each other. But unlike any other fairy tale, this Aladin left his Jasmine and flew on his magic carpet. It actually took me years and buckets of tears just to forget him. Pretty soon, I had a boyfriend and I heard that he had his own girlfriend as well.

From time to time, I would go home to the province during weekends but I never really did see him. Call me a plain coward or just full of pride but I refused to see him. Why? Because I did not want all those pent up feelings for him to go back in just a snap when in fact I spent years just trying to erase his memory from my mind.

Well guess what? Life is indeed full of surprises..and things happen for a reason because one Saturday night, we saw each other again. We were like two complete strangers with eyes that speak of an old friendship..or rather love? I'm not sure about that last part because I realized we were both too young at that time to quantify it as love.

Looking at him again, I knew I lost that battle within myself. He won me over in just a snap..(and if you're reading this..don't let it get to your head) but yes, he did it again. Some questions were answered but more questions surfaced after seeing him again. Is this the continuation of something that was started ten years ago? Or maybe we just missed each other so much?

I'm still high from that kiss he gave me, and boy, 10 years worth of kiss is sure to cause temporary insanity. I am insane, I am crazy and I think coming home that weekend was one of the best decisions I have ever made...

For marymoe... you sure made one hell of a mess out of me..but nevertheless..I hope you know you're the reason I was looking for...our story never did end...in fact..i think this is just the beginning of things to come...(tama na..sobrang emo na..)

Was I worth a penny?

After drinking 6 bottles of beer:

astrogurl: you're not suppose to spoil me
HIM: what makes you think i spoil you?
astrogurl: I don't know...
HIM: that's the way you're supposed to be treated you know

It felt like a slap in the face when he said that because I never really did think that someone would actually go through all that trouble just to please me. Why bother? But I came to the conclusion that admittedly, I did not think I was worth it. I thought that I was not worth all his efforts because I do not feel the same way about him.

Whether I happen to like him or not is not the point though, what he said actually revealed a portion of the way I see myself. I felt sad to have realized just how much of a shallow person I have become. It occured to me just how much I have changed over the past months due to certain unexpected situations and experiences, the people that I meet, and the kind of attitude I had with me upon dealing with these things. When I get hurt, I move on. I don't let pain linger and I don't allow any hint of self-pity and yet in doing so, I forgot how to feel. I don't even know now what it's like to risk and lose everything because before anything happens, I tend to runaway from things. Running away meant less hurt, less pain, and sadly, less room for growth..for maturity...for change...

Where does one pick up the pieces of a broken self especially when he or she doesn't even know where to look for it and how to start looking?

astrogurl
09/20/04
2:40

Kisses and Curses

"Well here I am don't know how to say this, only thing I know..is awkward silence..."
---FREAKISH By Saves the Day

I'd like to love you but I won't
I'd like to hate you but I can't

Things are not what it used to be
How can a simple thing
turn into unfazed complexity?

Don't even bother; don't even try to argue
I hope you feel my kisses in your dreams
and hear my curses when you wake up

I'm screaming in silence
Killing your memory with this succulent apathy

All I want to do is
Kiss you in my dreams
and curse you when I wake up

to make everything all right

I know I'm selfish
but I know I'm right
To keep you at arms length
is probably the best thing to do for now...

astrogurl is currently trying to figure out a way
to keep herself from falling...
09/19/04

The Truth Hurts...

My six year old cousin Mika is extremely smart and has an ability to say the right things at the right time. One time we had the most interesting conversation:

Me: Hey Mika..why do you think two people who love each other break up?
Mika: hmm..maybe they don't like each other anymore...or they don't love each other anymore.
Me: Ohhh..you really think so?
then she gave me an innocent look and said..
Mika: I don't know...maybe...let's go play over there!
Me: Ok...

She may not be aware of it but I knew that the little girl who was with me was right in more ways than one. She spoke of truth that most adults like me wouldn't even dare to accept simply because the truth hurts, and it hurts like hell. Then again, I'm the type of person who avoids wallowing in self-pity and pain. I move on and I move on fast..I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

jen
09/13/04

Dying in My Sleep...

I feel nothing
Something in me awakened;
A heightened sense of being

Your tears are precious
It's yours to keep
I want smiles and fondness
For all memories shared
I did not mean to hurt anyone
I did not mean to say goodbye
With a mere letter

But know that I got what I wanted
To sleep in solitude
To weep in silence
For all things missed,
And left behind

Don?t look for reasons
I ask only acceptance
Without questions,
Without judgments

My legacy is you
Who believed in me
Who suffered with me
Who needed me
Who cared for me
Who loved me

This is just the beginning
Of another journey
To an unknown territory
Maybe a thousand broken souls are waiting for me?
Or maybe Im the only one out there.
Fear was never really a good companion
Yet courage came along with me
After my last breath...

Death is comfort, death is mystery, death is precious...

Losing yourself, someone, or something is a brush with death...
There's a tiny speck of hope, a sudden urge to escape from reality...and back...
I lingered in these feelings but I never allowed it to eat me up...
the end of something is definitely not the end of everything...

for those who lost..and are trying to find themselves again...I'm with you all...
jen
09/07/04